Letter to Britney Spears

Hey Britney,

I hope you’re doing well. And without being a complete sarcastic asshole for once, maybe talking to somebody professionally could help you figure out what you actually want next.

I don’t mean that as an insult. We all go through periods when life becomes a fucking mess and we’re not entirely sure what comes next. Sometimes it lasts a few weeks, sometimes a few years, and sometimes life decides to kick you repeatedly in the face just to make absolutely sure you got the message.

You’re a very good singer. Some of your songs are genuine pop masterpieces, and I kept hoping we’d eventually hear more good music from you.

But that doesn’t seem to be happening.

Instead, there seems to be an endless stream of dancing videos, including the pole-dancing stuff. Is that what you want to do?

Okay. If it makes you happy, knock yourself out. Dance around your house. Spin around a pole. Post whatever weird shit you want. It’s your life.

But it would also be nice to know whether your music career is simply over.

Then I could stop clicking on articles about you hoping there might finally be something about a new song, a studio session, an album, or basically anything involving actual music.

You know, pole-dancing videos aren’t really my thing. I’d save some time.

Then I read that your son told you that “it was all science” and that he personally didn’t believe in God, and apparently that made you feel like you had failed as a mother.

Maybe you should be happy that your son has his own opinion.

Children eventually become adults. They develop their own ideas, beliefs, doubts, and opinions. That’s not parental failure. That’s pretty much the entire point of raising an independent human being.

And let’s be honest: religion is essentially spiritual stuff with a much bigger marketing department.

I’m also happy for your post on X saying that “…Baby One More Time” officially hit one billion streams on Spotify. Being proud of your past is perfectly fine. Hell, you should be proud of it. You made music that millions of people still listen to decades later.

And I suppose all those streams help pay a few bills, together with The Woman in Me, the Lucky Pink Mesh Hat, the shirts, and whatever other Britney-branded stuff is currently floating around the internet.

Actually, that made me curious. Do the shirts sell well?

I could really use some extra money myself.

Unfortunately, singing isn’t an option. My singing is fucking awful and could probably cause lasting psychological damage to anyone unfortunate enough to hear it.

So maybe I should sell shirts instead. Do you think a shirt with a huge I’M A SUCKER! printed across the chest would sell?

There has to be a market for that.

Anyway, Britney, do whatever makes you happy. Dance. Write another book. Sell hats. Talk about heaven. Post strange videos. Disappear from public life for six months and spend the entire time eating cereal in your pajamas if that’s what you want. It’s your life.

Just drop us a little update sometime about what the hell is happening with your music career.

Is there another album coming?
Another song?
Anything?
Or is it simply over?

Because from where I’m sitting, it certainly looks that way.

And if it is over, that’s okay too. You already made your mark. Plenty of singers would happily sell a kidney for a career containing even one song as recognizable as …Baby One More Time. You don’t owe anyone another album. But it would be nice to know.

Then I could finally stop clicking those damn Britney Spears headlines expecting music, only to discover that you’ve uploaded another dancing video, written something mysterious about heaven, or launched a hat.

All right. I’ll keep being grumpy and continue trying to become a little more selfish myself. Apparently that’s one of the few benefits of getting older.

But repeatedly clicking Britney Spears headlines hoping for new music and never getting any? It sucks.

Best wishes,

Milan