Mosquitoes Are Basically Biological Terrorists

I hate mosquitoes. Tiny fucking bastards. Every summer they come back like an annual subscription nobody asked for, buzzing, biting, disappearing the second you switch on the light, then returning five minutes later to scream directly into your ear. Fucking bloodsuckers.

Of Course It’s the Females

Biologically, only female mosquitoes drink blood because they need the nutrients for egg production. Males mostly live on nectar and plant sugars. No wonder I find the males more pleasant. They drink flowers, mind their own business, and don’t stab strangers for reproductive purposes. Quite civilized, really. The females, meanwhile, apparently look at me and think: excellent, free protein delivery.

A few minutes ago, I got bitten three times. First while I was waiting for the courier, second in my room, and third in my bedroom. Apparently they now operate across multiple departments. The bites got large and itchy almost immediately because apparently simply stealing my blood wasn’t enough. No. They also had to leave behind an irritating little souvenir so I could remember the experience for the next several hours.

Spare Me the Ecological Lecture

The entire species should be wiped off the Earth. And please spare me the fucking ecological sermon about how mosquitoes are essential and removing them would somehow make the entire planet collapse by Tuesday afternoon. Bullshit. Birds would eat something else. Fish would eat something else. Bats would eat something else. Nature has survived volcanoes, asteroid impacts, ice ages, mass extinctions, and humans building shopping malls everywhere. I strongly suspect it could survive the tragic disappearance of one tiny flying asshole.

Anyway, what the fuck are the birds doing? Seriously. Where are they when they’re actually needed? They have one job available here: eat the mosquitoes. Instead, they’re sitting outside from about 4 a.m. having some enormous fucking conference. Chirp chirp chirp. Wonderful. Very productive. Did they already get full bellies? Did they discover a nicer breakfast? Are mosquitoes considered unhealthy now? Maybe there’s some little bird nutritionist telling them to reduce processed insect intake. Meanwhile, mosquitoes are flying around completely unsupervised. If birds insist on waking me up before sunrise, the least they could do is provide pest control. Earn your fucking noise.

Tiny Flying Serial Killers

Mosquitoes are not just annoying little bloodsucking bastards. They spread malaria, dengue, yellow fever, Zika, chikungunya, West Nile virus, Japanese encephalitis, and several other diseases. And yes, the mosquitoes biting you are females, because females need blood to produce their eggs.

And their body count is obscene. According to the latest WHO estimates, malaria alone killed about 5.9 million people between 2015 and 2024. Add dengue, yellow fever, Japanese encephalitis, West Nile, and the rest, and mosquito-borne infections have killed well over six million people in a decade. That makes the mosquito the deadliest animal on Earth. Not sharks. Not snakes. This tiny whining asshole.

Unemployed Spiders

Then there are spiders. I’m scared of spiders too, but for maybe the last five years I’ve generally stopped killing them because I thought we could establish a useful business relationship: I provide accommodation, they kill mosquitoes. Simple. Except apparently nobody explained the contract to the spiders. They build their webs in the most useless fucking places imaginable, behind furniture, in dusty corners, near the ceiling, places where no mosquito has visited since construction of the house.

Then they sit there doing absolutely nothing. A mosquito can fly directly through the room, bite me, circle the lamp three times, take a sightseeing tour around the bedroom, and somehow completely avoid the spider web. Great engineering, guys. No wonder you’re hungry. At this point I’m basically providing free housing to unemployed spiders.

The Electric Execution Chamber

I also try to avoid repellents, especially electric ones, because I don’t particularly want to spend every summer inhaling chemical shit just because some flying hypodermic needle wants dinner. I used to have one of those high-voltage light traps, and that thing at least understood the assignment. Something flew into it and: ZZZT. Problem solved. Unfortunately, it also killed other insects, and the light was far too bright for sleeping. Nothing says peaceful bedroom quite like lying naked in bed beside a glowing insect execution chamber waiting for the next electrical crack.

Psychological Warfare

So every summer, the same fucking ritual begins. Buzzing. Searching. Landing. Biting. Itching. Then I switch on the light and suddenly there’s nothing. Complete silence. The mosquito has vanished. I search the walls. Nothing. Ceiling. Nothing. Curtains. Nothing. I switch the light off and five seconds later: BZZZZZZZZ. Right beside my fucking ear.

How? How does something with a brain approximately the size of dust understand psychological warfare?

One day mosquitoes are going to kill me. Maybe one will carry some disease, but realistically that’s probably not how it will happen. I’ll be found dead at 3 a.m. holding a pillow, with every light in the house switched on, after suffering a heart attack because one mosquito spent forty minutes repeatedly flying past my ear without landing anywhere I could actually fucking hit it. Somewhere in the corner, a spider will still be sitting in its completely empty web, and the birds will start chirping three minutes later.

Fucking mosquitoes. It sucks.